It is very strange but explainable that when engaging in a threesome with two women and one man it is quite normal for the women to touch one another’s breasts and genitals and far more often than not they give one another oral sex. I say this not based on porn fueled fantasies, but having been in the open-marriage community for nearly two decades; and having shared a bed with more than one woman on a good many occasions. However, in most cases, when there are two men in bed with one (or more) women, the men are usually expected to give one another a wide berth to ensure they never even accidently touch one another. Though this is changing, it is still the publicly espoused norm in the open marriage community
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Why is this? Are men less horny than women? Do men just not want to have as much sexual pleasure as do women? Not likely.
Then why do men actively avoid the plain and obvious erotic pleasures that would ensue if they acted like women do while in group sex situations?
Homophobia pure and simple; but not the way the political gay community wants to define it, but rather something far more basic. Men in threesomes don’t touch one another because two things: one, the fear of being seen by others as gay, or effeminate; second their fear of enjoying it too much and seeing themselves as gay or effeminate. It is not that men would not like to have a second person to give them oral sex, or to suck a penis, but rather they are afraid of the negative label.
It was around twenty years ago when I was first faced with this double standard in group sex (gee wiz I can't believe it was so long ago). I was at a swing club in Atlanta and there were seven people in the big bed and I was getting a first rate blow job from a very hot woman. Her husband was fucking another woman beside us, and for whatever reason he took a break and lay down in such a position that his erect penis was inches from my face. Before this moment I had not thought about putting a penis in my mouth since I’d gotten married; however, at that moment, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. It was only out of fear that I might get tossed out of the club that I did not wrap my lips around that shaft right then and there.
Why did I need to fear that giving oral sex would get me thrown out of a swing club? Because the first swing club we had ever been (a few years prior to this event) had an explicit rule posted “No male on male sexual contact”.
A few years ago I was talking to the owner of a swinger friendly nudist resort. Just to test the waters, I mentioned that I’d given both the woman and her husband oral sex the night before just to see her reaction. Her face betrayed that she saw that my admission was very surprising. Not upsetting, but not expected either. But why?
The answer is not some anti-homoerotic religious teaching, but the AIDS epidemic. Anecdotal evidence suggests that prior to the advent of AIDS, both males and females had same sex contact at approximately the same rate in the swinger community during group sex. From reading firsthand accounts by swingers of the era, one thing stands out, prior to AIDS, condoms were completely foreign to the swinger community. Without condom use, semen was spread around quite liberally in group sex and for men to come into contact with the semen of other men was just an expected part of the experience. Sloppy seconds was a common term about going down on a woman who had recently had semen deposited in her vagina. Because tasting other men’s semen was just a normal part of the scene, the distance between eating another man’s sticky semen from a woman’s vagina to taking it directly from the source is a very small one. To be sure, neither male nor female homoerotic behavior was as routine as female bisexuality is today, but it was not shocking either. But when AIDS first became a concern, it was largely limited to the male homosexual and IV drug using communities. It was a pragmatic decision to ban male-male sex since “safe sex” wasn’t even in the vocabulary. Many swing clubs simply closed, but those that survived banned male homoerotic behavior. In time, most active swingers simply forgot that it once was acceptable. Those men who did engage in it, did so very quietly and not in group sex rooms.
Four years after that night at the swing club in Atlanta I found myself with a husband and wife and invited to suck the husband’s penis. I’d thought about what it would be like for those years, but yet I was apprehensive. The only thing that surprised me in giving head for the first time was how normal it felt. I found it very little different than giving a woman oral sex. Sure the technique is different, but the sexual feeling of giving another person sexual pleasure is the same; and frankly, bringing that man off had a more tangible payoff than I usually got doing a woman.
Is a hot woman less womanly because she likes to eat pussy in a FFM threesome? Does that make her a man hating lesbian? No, and I don’t think many would think it does. Then why would a man be less manly for joining the woman in the penis sucking in a MMF threesome? Would a man become a limp wristed effeminate if he enjoyed shooting his load in the mouth of his lover’s husband?
I can understand why a dominate alpha-male might be reluctant to join the woman in giving head in a MMF, but why would he object to receiving head? Men seem to thing getting a blow job from two women at once would be the ultimate, yet, they don’t jump at the opportunity to get a blow job from a husband and wife at the same time (or their own wife and a lover). It’s their own fears that limit them…..or perhaps it is the fear that the other man would react negatively.
Perhaps this is a discussion we might ought to have in all our swing clubs. From my experience I would suggest that many (if not most) men would be open to male-male contact in private MMF situations. Again speaking from experience, I suspect that the significant majority of Alpha-males would not object if during a MMF that the other male began to give him a blow job. A number of times, while in a MMF I have taken the risk and initiated oral sex with the man involved (usually the woman’s husband/boyfriend). Only once has the man not been more than happy for me to join the woman in sucking him off. The one time I asked before taking the man’s penis in my mouth and the man declined, I could see that he thought about saying yes for several seconds before saying no. I suspect he would have been happy for me to do it, but was not comfortable verbalizing that he would like it. In another circumstance, the man never said a word, but put his penis in my mouth (rather than in the available pussy) while his girlfriend and I did 69. In still another couple of cases when in a MMF with my wife, Paula asked the man if he would be interested in me doing him, in all cases the man said yes. In yet another MMF with the husband and wife, he’d even saddled up behind me with his hard-on while I was on all fours as his wife and I did 69. I could feel his cock on my anus. I’m sure he was about to fuck me. I don’t think it is a stretch to say that most men will tell you how good it feels to fuck a tight rectum but most women don’t do anal, so he was clearly going to enjoy anal with me. But, to my disappointment he didn’t carry through. He told me later he was unsure of his wife’s reaction to the whole male-male thing and I think that’s what kept him from ramming it home in me.
Are these cases anomalies or are they indicative of the fact that behind closed doors men are far more open to male-male sex than anyone is ready to admit?
There are many culprits for this stigmatization and most of those are historical and as such are something we cannot readily change. But some that could change is the aggressive political gay community’s effort to label as many men they can with the “gay” label. The willful mis-labeling of men who have sex with both men and women as gay is a strong disincentive to bring male bisexual behavior out of the closet. Think of the movie Brokeback Mountain. The men were universally called gay when in fact they were bisexual. This effort just reinforces the idea that having male-male sexual contact somehow changes a person. This approach is counterproductive for the cause of real sexual freedom even if it is politically expedient. As mentioned before, the swinger community needs to drop its unwritten (and sometimes written) prohibition on male-male sexual contact, at least in threesome and group settings. I know there is a fear that the swing clubs will be overrun by gay males, but the limits on men not escorted by women that all swing clubs enforce would seem to solve this problem
I recall reading how when Hugh Heffner was asked about male-male sexual activities, he was right up front and said yes, he had been sexual with men on a good number of occasions over the years, but he qualified this by saying that his sexual contact with men was always as part of group sex. If Hugh Heffner can see it as normal, I think it’s time for us all to drop our fears and enjoy all that our open sexual lifestyle has to offer