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Our Decades of Open Marriage: Part 52

Updated: Oct 3, 2023


A photo of Paula I took about a month before the events of this little story.

I don't think I've ever shared this particular photo before.

By late-September of 2013, Paula had developed a group of guys with whom she had ongoing relationships, but none of them were particularly serious. This had been her personal goal for some time, but it had proven surprisingly difficult to achieve. She found it to be both fun and somewhat taxing. One night she told me that when she realized that she was antsy and particularly horny, it occurred to her that it had been over a week since she’d been laid by one of her "boys". She told me that she couldn't remember when that had last happened, but she was sure it had been since late spring. Over the prior week, due to external circumstances, she had two dates fall through and she was ready to jump in the sack with “one of her boys” as soon as she could. Because of this she was more flexible about what she would and would not do.

There was a new guy, Kent, that she’d been talking with on-line and on the phone for a while. The last date she’d had, over a week ago, had been a meet & greet with him. She had found him very nice, handsome and a good kisser; however, there was one catch. He was married and he and his wife had not come to a negotiated agreement on non-monogamy. That was a problem for her. Some people might find it funny when we say it, but we have an open marriage, not an immoral one. The basic rule of morality is not to do things that you would not want done to you or to your loved ones. Thus, she was concerned right off that this guy might be a “no go”; however, she kept talking to him on the phone and she thought the circumstances might not be exactly like he would be “cheating” if they had sex.

She decided to set up a date at a local sports bar for the three of us to talk about the circumstances and watch the Thursday night football game. As I’ve written before, one of my roles in our relationship is to be the “creep detector” since Paula is quite aware that she can be gullible sometimes. So, we needed to resolve if it would be a violation of our ethics for her to keep seeing him, and more immediately whether she would fuck him after dinner that night.

Now at the time, I was teaching a graduate school class on Thursday nights so I was not able to get to the sports bar until the 3rd quarter of the football game. That was not a problem, because it gave the two of them plenty of time to talk before I arrived. When I got there, I met Kent. He was perhaps a few years older than us, and just as Paula had said I would, I found him to be very pleasant. We all talked throughout the remainder of the game and then quite a while afterward. He talked about how he and his wife have not slept together in years and they have a nice, but platonic relationship at home. When Paula asked what he had told his wife about tonight, he said that he had been right up front with his wife and told her that he was going to the sports bar and to a hotel afterward. He didn’t explicitly tell her that he was meeting a woman for sex, but the fact he was going to a hotel after the game did so all the same. It seemed only reasonable to gather that his is one of those cases of non-monogamy where there are no active negotiations but rather an unspoken acquiescence. While such an arrangement is far from what we think is a marital ideal, we decided our participation would not be ethically problematic.

As we talked, he was interested in what the nude-swinger resort we attended was like. We told him about our different activities at Timberline Lodge over Labor Day. It was evident to me that he had never known a couple who are so open about having sex with other people as we are. Later he asked a good deal about how we went from conservative Christians to our current life style. He was rather surprised to hear that we had made no change in our core beliefs, but only in how those beliefs were lived in the real world.

About 11:30 I went back home. Paula and Kent went to The Embassy Suites hotel not far from the sports bar.

Paula and I had already discussed that, with him, she preferred to have her first sexual experience one-on-one, and do a threesome later. Her normal practice was to go to the hotel with her lover then come home after sex; however, we agreed that it would be OK if she stayed the whole night at the hotel with her new lover. It would only be the second time she'd done this with a man.

So, she and Kent went to the hotel (note this next part is written from what she told me later). She went to the bathroom and returned in just her Carolina Panther's jersey. He loved it. She said he was great in bed. The sex went on nearly two hours, despite the late night. She said he was able to stroke for the longest time and then keep it up while she rode him gently while they just talked. After only a few hours’ sleep they did round two at 4:00 AM before another hour of sleep before he had to get up to get ready for work. They did round three, fully dressed with her bent over the side of the bed, just before they left the hotel room.

The hotel was only about fifteen minutes from our house, so she was home by about 7:30 AM. As soon as she was undressed, she spread her legs and asked me to eat out her freshly fucked and filled vagina. She let me know it had been less than twenty minutes since Kent ejaculated into her. She knew I wouldn’t hesitate, even if I’d just woken up. Usually when she came home after having sex her vulva was covered in the sheen of the man’s semen as it was caught by her panties and spread across her smoothly shaven labia; however, this time there was none. Initially I just assumed he’d actually used a condom and I’d misunderstood what Paula had said. But once I put my tongue inside her, it was unmistakable, her new lover’s cum was still there in fairly significant amounts. Not only did I find the taste of cum, I found the globules of semen inside of her vagina. I ate all that I could find.

Despite my repeated warnings to use condoms with new guys; this had been the third time in just over a month that when she’d had sex with someone new for the first time, she’d skipped the condom. She is shrewd enough that when she “forgets”, she heads off my rapprochement by having me go down on her knowing I will not resist sharing her man’s semen, and thus the risk.

While we made love (after I’d eaten her out thoroughly) she went on at length as to how good the sex with Kent had been. Though that might make some men jealous, it only turned me on more. She also said he got less than three hours of sleep in all, and she was sure he would have a hard day. She said she definitely wants to make him one of her “regular guys”.

She met Kent a few more times at the same hotel over the next few weeks and was becoming quite infatuated with him. One Saturday morning she mentioned to me that Kent told her that “If you were my wife I couldn’t let you just go off with other men. I could do a threesome but not what your husband lets you do.”

That set off an alarm in my head. It could have been just a way to say he thinks she’s special, but I thought it was very possibly indicative of a latent desire to own her. I expressed my concern and told her to be vigilant for any other signs that he sought to control her. She thought I’d over reacted and I had no reason to worry.

Later that morning, I asked if we could go out in the evening. She told me that she would not be leaving her Victoria’s Secret store until past 8:00 PM so it wouldn’t’ work out. I let her know that I understood. However, about noon, just before leaving to go to work, she told me that Kent had called and asked her to spend the night with him. She agreed, and they made a plan to meet him at a hotel after work. They were not going to meet at the Embassy Suites as they had in the past, but a hotel about an hour away.

I questioned why she said she couldn’t go out with me but then made plans to go out with him. It was not that I would have objected to her date, but it was hurtful that she told me “no” then told him “yes”. She said she thought I was being unreasonable and didn’t know why I was upset, but she canceled her date anyway.

She left but thought about what I had said the whole time she was at work. When she got home, we had another talk. She said it sounded like I was upset she was getting close to Kent. I assured her the issue was not the fact she agreed to spend the night with him, or even that she was falling in love with him; but rather it was the fact she had just told him yes to a date when she’d told me she was getting off work too late to go out. Besides that, the hotel at which he had asked her to meet him was close to an hour away from her work. I told her it would have been different if she’d come and talked about why she told me no but was thinking about going to see him, but her actions seemed to devalue me. And that hurt.

Once she understood why my feelings were hurt, she said she had not meant it to come across that way. Essentially, the way she heard me, she thought I was asking to go out and do something active, like clubbing. When she agreed to go to see Kent it was to go directly to the hotel room and crawl into bed. Her idea for her evening with Kent was to lay in the bed and relax, talk and yes, have sex. She envisioned something low-keyed and undemanding of her energy. Thus, in her mind, what she agreed to with Kent was different than what I had asked for.

Perhaps I should have seen that from the beginning or perhaps she should have explained better. There was no reason to assign blame, it was just one of those cases where we live and learn. This is the kind of situation that, in the lack of an open communication environment an open-marriage could cause real problems. In our case however, we not only thought about it, but we had the ability to talk it through and come to a mutual understanding. That is why we have a successful marriage, open or not. All was fine by Saturday night, though it did cost her a great night of sex with Kent.

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Feb 18, 2023

This episode shows how important communication between partners is: "Ask anyone in an open relationship what makes it work, and one word comes up the most often: communication. Obviously , communication is a critical part of any kind of relationship, but when it comes to nonmonogamous relationships, good communication is one of the most important skills you can have. Nonmonogamy is not for the faint of heart or lazy: be prepared." (Taormino, Tristan. Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.) Thank you for sharing this important lesson.

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