Straight up, always my style, I'm coming to realize many things about myself. Perhaps I am in a significant stroke of self realisation? Among them, as I've written previously, is the realisation that I may be hypersexual. I'm going to touch largely on some current reflections on my sexuality, but I'm going to begin by taking a gigantic step backwards and explain some events from my childhood.
I was raised in a fairly Liberal household. I was never abused, but it wasn't exactly an environment in which I was sheltered either. Still, my first introduction to sex was a girl called Louisa. She took a shine to me, it seems, because we were about 5 or 6 and she really loved making out under some steps at our school. It was pleasant enough, if overly slobbery on her end. Then one day she put my hand up her dress and my fingers into her pussy. In hindsight, she probably was being abused which I didn't know then, do now. I wish I could find her again; I hope she's okay today. But this is about me. I was thoroughly excited by that experience, if mystified. And I definitely remember getting hard as hell.
My next rendezvous with the world of sex was finding my father's porn magazineswhen I was 7. I was bizarrely fascinated. I began stealing pages from them and hiding them in my room. At night after I was supposed to be in bed, I'd sneak them out from their squirrely hidey hole and just...ogle them and ogle them, almost always playing with my dick. I learned very quickly that I needed to "wet" it, being cut, so I first used spit and then my mother's baby oil or vaseline. I remember vividly going to her asking why it stung when I pissed and her being loaded with questions about it. I was too afraid to ask if vaseline or baby oil could cause it, although I think she'd have been cool with it, even if she'd known the truth.
Then because I'd be up late discovering the pleasures I can bring my own body, I would be able to hear my parents have their own sex. Usually their bedroom door was slightly ajar, because the cat slept in there and needed to be able to come and go. It also seems to be a lifelong habit of my mother's, LOL. The hallway light would be off, their room lit only by a bedside lamp on the other side of the room from the door. And so...perhaps I "should" be embarrassed or ashamed to admit this, but look elsewhere for that sex negative shaming and guilt tripping...there I'd stand in the dark of the hallway, 7-10 years old, jerking my dick, watching my father fuck my mother. My father caught on pretty quick, and it was discussed, among other things 😈 but I don't know, honestly, if my mother ever knew. I never saw her look out there once. Dad, once he knew I was there, would give me a knowing smirk often.
Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen every day or anything. But often enough 😝. It stopped entirely when I was about 10 because my parents split and dad moved away enitely, out of my life for good. Perhaps it's unconventional, and also perhaps I am. I don't know what to tell you. From quite a young age I was interested in sex and my sexuality began to blossom quite early. Alongside that came diagnosis with ADHD, as I've written about prior. I was treated for it during my childhood, but haven't been treated since the age of 13 or so.
As I grew up and came of age I was a ravenous cock fiend and chased it everywhere. The year I was 10, after dad split, I did a year at a boarding school. My behavior at school was all over the place due to my ADHD and, though they were clueless about it at the time, my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and my mother at her wits end. This school was the sort that straightens out wayward kids so they fly right. Later, it transpired, that some of the staff were abusing students and I found myself in the same situation Kev in Shameless found himself in - wondering why I wasn't chosen for molestation. Truly, I'd have probably taken very little coercion and wouldn't have been scarred. I did have some experience through childhood that would be deemed unethical but which I actively sought and was not, as far as I'm concerned, harmed by. The experiences which harmed me emotionally, psychologically, happened into my 20s to be honest. Go figure.
As a free wheeling adult, I've always been pretty free. I've always thought about sex, talked about sex, looked at, read about, written about, photographed or recorded sex a truly great deal. In many diverse and changing circles, I've always been warmly known as the dude who will make the sex joke that's actually a little bit serious. I'm drawn towards nudism, and have been wince I was very young. Our household was fairly free. I saw my parents naked plenty, although always within a context of bathing or swimming, sleeping or sex, all perfectly natural parts of human life. From quite young I've never been a fan of clothes, and generally hated shoes.
It consumes a fair amount of my life, I suppose - *sex* - and I've become very drawn towards philosophies around sex positivity. I think if we all pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones to be fully open and honest about our sexual selves, and to approach sexuality positively, free of judgment and shame, we'd probably have a society of better adjusted humans. Sex is fundamental to who we are, and it is to be embraced. As I've said for years, life is too short to pretend you're not into some kinky shit.
Despite consuming so much of my time, I've never particular found this to be a negative. I seem to slightly fail to meet the qualifying distinction of being addicted. I am not holed up in my apartment, hikikomori style, jerking it to porn all day or getting fired for boning the prostitutes on the desk in my office. It doesn't impact my life negatively. I'm not saying some people don't develop an unhealthy relationship with their sexuality and mismanage the hypercharged aspects of it. But I'm also thoroughly convinced that some of us hypersexuals do manage their natures adequately enough not to be self destructive or bring harm to those they love.
Probably it plays a big part in why I think I'm not wired for monogamy. It probably plays a big part in my endeavors to cultivate a sexual persona in the online realm and flesh and blood world alike. It is a statement of intent, of self. It's a part of me. It's important, I guess. I like to express it, embrace it, and share it. And I like to embrace and respond to the vibe that others are putting out. I just wanna vibe, smoke some good grass, listen to some good music and make some sweet sex. Sound a lot like a hippie, don't I? 🤪