Pleasure, Meaning, and the Brevity of Our Lives

Author's Note 9/1/2024:

It was four months ago when I was told my kidney function had completely collapsed. It took me a couple of months to wrap my head around that and look forward. Then just a couple of weeks ago I was told that I had metastasized renal cancer that had traveled to my lung. At first, it didn’t seem that bad, until I found out the survival rate of that condition is only 17%.  

This past week I saw two oncologists and my nephrologist.  I was told it was good I only have one spot in my right lung, but when he said that in many cases when they can’t stop the spread, they simply stop trying to treat it. So, I was given both hope and a clear message as to how serious this is.  The next day I saw my nephrologist who said almost surely the rest of my left kidney will need to be removed to get all the cancer there.

THEN, after all that, I had to see a different surgeon to get minor surgery to allow me to start dialysis ASAP.  That means throughout all of my fight with spreading cancer,  I will have to go in for four hours a day to the dialysis center, three days a week. I can’t even consider a transplant until I’ve been cancer-free for two years.

With all of this going on, it has been hard for me to focus on other things. I try to be thankful for the wonderful life I’ve had and try not to simply give up trying… but it is hard.  I do want to finish the Final Freedom project, and I’m pretty sure I’ll have the two years or so it will take to do so. But I’m finding it hard to sit and focus on writing and illustrating for hours on end, and that is what it will take to get this done.

So, since I haven't been doing a lot of writing the past week or so, I went back to look for an old essay I’ve never posted on this website. I found just what I was looking for in something I wrote shortly after my mother passed a decade ago. It seems I’d already thought about the things that now preoccupy my thoughts.  I was glad I had this little essay, it helped me keep things in perspective during this trying time I’m going through now.

I hope you get something out of it too.

Pleasure, Meaning, and the Brevity of Our Lives

It seems just a few years ago we held a memorial service for my grandmother, and then a week ago we held a service for my mother.   At times like this one cannot help but reflect on the ethereal nature of human life.  Sure we live longer than Mayflies but we have lives much shorter than Sequoia trees. For my mother’s beachside service we built a memorial of shells and flowers during low tide then we all told stories about how her life had positively impacted each of us.  Afterward we enjoyed the company of family members we rarely see as we relaxed on the white sand of the Gulf Coast beach.   Eventually, the tide came in and the memorial became part of the larger ocean. 

Of course it was a metaphor for our lives. We are born from the elements of the earth and of a family and community. We live our lives impacting those near to us by our actions then we die leaving only the memories and once again become an elemental part of the earth and family and community we leave behind.

On this blog, Professor Polyamory writes of pleasure and politics while Rev. Polyamory writes of meaning and truth.  Of course, both those people are different personas of a single person and that single person has been pondering on issues of meaning and pleasure all week.

Contrary to the pronouncement of hedonists, bodily pleasures do not bring satisfaction of the soul for it does not lead to a path to inner meaning.  Yes, it can for a time stave off the feelings of emptiness or pain, but in the quiet of the night comes the nagging question of “Is this all there is?”.   So many people, young people in particular, continue to strive for the ultimate pleasure that will fill that void that represents need for meaning.  And for a time, perhaps years, that pursuit of pleasure will be enough, but those who survive the frantic search for pleasure, eventually find the truth that pleasure is ephemeral and does not lead to a firm conviction that one’s life held value.

Here is a paraphrase of what the wealthy and wise King Solomon wrote in the book Ecclesiastes:

I said to myself, “Have fun and enjoy yourself!” But this didn’t make sense. Laughing and having fun is crazy. What good does it do? I wanted to find out what was best for us during the short time we have on this earth. So I decided to make myself happy with wine and find out what it means to be foolish, without really being foolish myself. Men and women sang for me, and I had many wives who gave me great pleasure. I was the most famous person who had ever lived in Jerusalem, and I was very wise. I got whatever I wanted and did whatever made me happy. But most of all, I enjoyed my work. Then I thought about everything I had done, including the hard work, and it was simply chasing the wind. Nothing on earth is worth the trouble

So if I could have all the pleasures imaginable and I would still feel empty, why discuss pleasure at all?  Of course Solomon was a rich and powerful king who did not have to eke out a living. In the original it speaks of his slaves and the wealth he demanded from lesser kings.  Most people do not have all the physical things they wish at their fingertips. Many people live out their lives in a sea of pain with only small refuge islands of pleasure to ease the difficulty of their lives. 

So, while it is true that pleasure does not confer meaning, might the cause of expanding pleasure to a world that all too often only experiences pain be something that indeed does confer meaning?  Can I find in meaning in seeking out ways to minimize pain and maximize pleasure to others around me?   Jesus used the parable of the good Samaritan to show the kind of love he said brings inner and lasting meaning.  In that parable the Samaritan merchant bound up the wounds of the man who had been robbed and put him in a hotel at his own expense. Was that not providing pleasure and easing pain?   I think it was.

Thus, I can conclude that pleasure is not inherently empty and valueless, but rather that my own pleasure is not sufficient to provide my life with value or meaning.   I can use the medium of increasing the pleasure of others to fill that inner void of meaning in my own soul.

I often read writers on other blogs that rail with anger about how they are denied pleasure by others, or I read writers that pine for some pleasure that they feel will make their lives whole.  I am afraid that these writers will never find contentment or lasting value in such an inward struggle for their own pleasure.  When (decades ago) I worked as a counselor to adolescent sex offenders it was so very clear that they saw all others as a means to their pleasure and their desire to fill that need for total control and sexual pleasure consumed their lives until they found a victim onto which they expressed those pleasure needs.  However, as soon as the high of that pleasure had worn off, they once again felt an emptiness that they could only fill by sexually assaulting someone else.  While only a small percentage of people have the need for violent expressions of power bound to their sexual arousal pattern, all too many people have the delusion that sexual pleasure in itself will bring fulfillment. Thus they fixate on sexuality as their reason for being.  Sadly they too, find that this is not enough to sustain a sense of value and meaning.

I suggest to you that sexual pleasure is an excellent way to stave off the pain of life, but, it is not an end in itself. Sexual pleasure can be however, one of the many ways that we can express love and care for others.  Sexual pleasure is no less a noble or legitimate way to show care for others than more lauded means and perhaps for some people it can be the highest form of care. So, since it is by living a life committed to the care of others that we bring deep value to our own lives, sexual pleasure can indeed lead to finding lasting meaning.

In my own life I write this blog to assist others to find pleasure, sexual pleasure in particular, and thereby this blog is one way in which I find my own value.

When our physical body is metaphorically washed out to sea, it is only in the lives of those whom we have touched and changed for the better that will determine if we have lived in a way that made our life worth the living.